Grab your notepad, because you’ll want to write these down before your next date.
The right standards will save you from the wrong man long before your heart gets involved.
These are the non-negotiables every woman needs before she even attempts to date, the kind of dating standards that mark you as a high-value woman– and by my books, none of them are up for discussion.
8 Non-Negotiables That Save You From The Wrong Man
1. How He Talks About Women When No Women Are Around
Pay attention to what a man says about women when there are no women in the room.
What someone says about a person who isn’t there to hear it tells you how he really sees them.
With women, it shows you the bar he has set in his head, and it predicts how he’ll eventually treat you.
Listen to the jokes he laughs at with his friends and the way he describes the women he works with.
Some men see women as objects, or as tools to get what they want.
Some see women as delicate, as people to be pampered and nurtured.
Others see women as equal partners, people to be valued and respected.
A man can be sweet to your face while still believing things about women that would shock you.
That is why his private conversations matter more than his public charm.
You don’t need to spy on him for this, because most men will show you on their own if you listen when they’re relaxed.
Whatever his view is, he won’t switch it off just because he’s with you.
If the way he sees women is the way you want to be seen, then you share the same values, and that’s a good sign.
If it isn’t, you already know what to do.
2. How He Handles Disappointment
Watch what a man does when things don’t go his way.
One thing I’ve come to appreciate about my husband, and something that has grown on me over time, is how he handles disappointment.
When something goes wrong, the first thing he says is that it’s normal for these things to happen in everyday life.
That simple attitude has helped me put a lot of things in perspective.
Whatever your views on gender roles and equality, you want a man who can stay steady when life doesn’t go to plan.
Some men blame everyone around them the moment something goes wrong.
Some throw a fit or take it out on the people closest to them.
Others pause, look at what happened, and deal with it like adults.
Pay attention to whether he points fingers or takes his share of the responsibility.
A lot will go wrong over the long run, because you’re two different people coming together to build one life.
Plans will fall through, and money will get tight at some point.
The way he handles a small disappointment now is the way he’ll handle a big one later, and you’ll be right there beside him when it happens.
Choose the man who can carry disappointment like an adult.
3. Whether He Keeps His Word On Small Things
This one can be a little tricky, because small things are easy to excuse.
He says 7 pm and shows up at 7:40 without a text.
He says he’ll call you back and the call never comes.
On their own, these look minor, but they show you how seriously he takes his own word.
A man who keeps his word lets you know when plans are going south.
He carries you along, so you’re never left guessing or waiting.
He isn’t the one promising you heaven and earth or making things sound bigger than they are.
He just does what he said he would do.
Even the Bible says that whoever is faithful in little will be faithful in much, and I believe the opposite is true too.
A man who can’t keep small promises won’t keep the big ones.
Big promises like loyalty and marriage are built on the habit of keeping the small ones.
So watch how he does with the little things he tells you, from what time he’ll arrive to the errand he said he’d run.
If his small promises keep falling through, take that as a preview.
4. How He Treats People Who Can Do Nothing For Him
Watch how he treats the cleaner, the waiter, the driver, and the mechanic.
Watch how he talks to the steward on a flight or the security man at the gate.
These are people who can’t do anything for him, and that is exactly why his behaviour around them tells the truth.
It extends to his family too, like how he cares for his mum or his dad when they’re sick.
That is what really reveals his character.
Some men are charming to people who can help them and rude to everyone else.
If his kindness depends on what he can get from someone, it’s a transaction, and it won’t hold when you’re the one in need.
A man who is kind to people with nothing to offer him shows you how empathetic and thoughtful he really is.
That same kindness is what will reach you, your friends, and your family over time.
One day you’ll be tired or sick, or simply unable to give him anything, and his care for you then will look a lot like his care for the waiter today.
So watch closely, because this is a character review.
5. How He Responds When You Say No
No matter how in sync you are, you won’t always feel the same thing at the same time.
You won’t always want to do the same things either, no matter how into each other you are.
There are days my husband wants to take a walk, and I’m just not up to it.
When I tell him, it doesn’t become a problem or a fight.
He goes for his walk, or we do something else, and life moves on.
That is what you want to see in a man.
Pay attention to what happens when you say no to him, even about small things.
Some men sulk for hours or keep pushing until your no turns into a tired yes.
Others hear it, respect it, and don’t punish you for it.
The way he responds tells you whether you’ll be allowed to be yourself with him, or whether you’ll have to keep agreeing just to keep the peace.
Your interests won’t always line up, and sometimes you’ll want the same thing at different times.
If he handles your no badly, call his attention to it early, before it grows into something bigger.
A man who respects your no is a man you can actually relax with.
6. Whether He Has A Life Outside You
If a man has no hobbies and no ambition outside of you, you’ll get exhausted very quickly.
Everything he does will revolve around you, and that weight will sit on your shoulders.
You’ll feel heavy and frustrated, and I promise you, your life will get boring.
As much as you become one in a relationship, it is important that you both keep your individuality.
A good union has room for two different people.
So if he’s already making it known that you are his only purpose in life, take note.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t be everything to your partner, but he needs his own interests too, and so do you.
I’m a lawyer and a writer, and I’m interested in tech.
My husband can’t do anything tech-related, because he’s more of a hands-on person who engineers things.
When he talks about his work, I can picture it and sometimes add a bit of my tech knowledge to it.
He also brings his engineering mind into some of the things I do, and that gives us a balanced life and a balanced home.
If I had abandoned law to focus on his engineering, or he had dropped engineering to focus on my writing, we would have been doing the same thing back to back, and we’d eventually get tired of each other.
Make sure he has a life outside of you, because that is what keeps both your lives full.
7. How He Talks About Money
Pay attention to how a man talks about money, because it shows you his ego and his honesty in one conversation.
Some men brag about how much they make and rub it in your face every chance they get.
Some use money to shame you, reminding you who paid for what or making you feel small for earning less.
Others are so ashamed of what they earn that they hide it or avoid the topic completely.
None of these are healthy.
A man worth keeping can talk about money calmly, without shame and without showing off.
He’s financially transparent, and when things get serious, he’s open with you about what he earns and what he owes.
He doesn’t need to make a big deal of his income for you to respect him.
He also doesn’t use money as a tool to control you or win arguments.
Money will come up in every serious relationship, from rent to children’s school fees.
If he can’t talk about it like an adult now, it will become a battle later.
Listen for the ego in his money talk, because wherever there’s ego, control is usually close behind.
8. Whether Your Peace Increases When He’s Around
Teni and Olamide recently released a song called Zion, and there’s a line in it about someone being your safe space that stayed with me.
I had been looking for the right words to describe how I feel about my husband, and when I heard that song, I knew immediately.
He is my safe space.
After a long day apart, when we finally come back together, all I want is to cuddle up to him and soak him all in.
Love should feel peaceful, and that is exactly how it feels with him.
You should already have your own peace before he comes along, and the right man will only amplify it.
Pay attention to how you feel when he walks into the room.
If you relax, that’s a good sign.
If you tense up and start managing his moods or working to prevent one problem or another, take that seriously.
A relationship that costs you your peace will cost you more than that over time.
If your peace isn’t growing with him, you need to question your decision to be with this man.
Standards can feel scary when you’re lonely or excited about someone new.
Having non-negotiables in a relationship keeps you clear when your feelings are loud.
Write yours down and let the right man meet them without you having to beg.
The wrong man will always find your standards too high.
The right one will find them familiar, because he lives by them too.
