Being in a relationship with a man and being a supportive partner doesn’t mean you should take full responsibility for his life.
Things can start on grounds of love and gradually turn into an unhealthy dynamic.
You might not even know you’re mothering him, and that’s why I’m writing this post.
So let’s look at the actions that show you’re mothering a man instead of dating him.
7 Ways You Are Mothering Him Instead Of Dating Him
1. You Have To Remind Him To Do Everything
It’s okay for someone to forget certain things occasionally.
But when you constantly have to remind him about his own responsibilities and commitments, and follow up on tasks he already agreed to handle, it becomes a chore.
You’re practically taking responsibility for his memory, and he isn’t a child.
If you ever forget to remind him, the thing doesn’t get done, or he forgets it completely.
You become his personal reminder system instead of trusting him to manage his own responsibilities.
Then somehow you start feeling responsible for his failures and his inability to handle things.
That’s no way to live.
You’re in a romantic relationship, and you didn’t sign up to be his calendar or his human manager.
Let him set his own reminders, and let him deal with what happens when he forgets.
A grown man learns fastest when nobody is quietly catching everything he drops.
2. You Manage His Emotions For Him
You’ve turned yourself into a clown just so he’s always happy.
You’re trying to keep him happy at all times, like you’re his happy pill.
When he’s in his feelings, you start walking on eggshells so you don’t upset him further.
Meanwhile, you have so much you’re dealing with yourself.
But so you don’t affect his mood, you suppress your own emotions, because you’re afraid of how he’ll react.
You believe it’s your job to calm him down and fix every bad mood he has.
You’re not his emotional regulator, for Christ’s sake.
You shouldn’t be responsible for fixing somebody else’s bad mood.
He should be able to manage his own mind.
Supporting him through a hard day is love, and you can absolutely do that.
But if you constantly have to calm him down and keep him happy, you’re dating an adult baby.
3. You Keep Cleaning Up His Messes
Some men choose to make the same mistakes over and over.
I say choose, because you might have a better idea, or he might have good counsel on how to handle things.
Still, he does it his way again and again.
He knows his way leads to the same mistakes and terrible outcomes.
And every single time, you take it upon yourself to clean up his mess.
When people ask why he acts the way he does, you come up with excuses for him.
Then you take responsibility for consequences he should handle himself.
At the end of the day, you’re protecting him from the discomfort he needs to grow.
That’s a mother’s job, and you’re his partner.
At this point, you’re raising him more than you’re dating him.
4. You Have To Teach Him How To Treat You
Before I met my husband, I believed there was a certain way I loved to be loved.
My husband also has a way he loves to be loved, and it shows in how we express love to each other.
Along the way, we realised we enjoy things in different ways.
We took time to understand that about each other.
That’s normal, and it’s very different from having to teach a man how to treat you.
If you have to keep explaining the basics of a relationship to him, you’re gradually becoming his mother.
I mean basics like respect and honesty, consideration, and putting you first.
You end up having the same conversation about the same behaviours, with no lasting change.
It starts to feel like you’re giving him instructions, like a human care manual on how to show you affection.
When this keeps happening, it shows he’s unwilling to learn and grow with you.
And you’ve taken on the job of training him.
5. You Carry The Mental Load Of The Relationship
You’re the only one who plans dates and tries to build memories together.
You’re the one who starts the important conversations and keeps track of where the relationship is going.
You think about both your needs, while he mostly thinks about his own.
His outlook is mainly about himself.
You’ve become a full-time relationship manager.
It’s a full-time job on top of your actual full-time job.
And this one pays you nothing but stress and frustration.
When you’re the only one holding the relationship together, you’re mothering him.
You’re not being his girlfriend or his wife.
A relationship should have two people thinking about it, not one woman carrying it on her head.
6. You Keep Sacrificing Your Needs To Help Him Become Better
There’s a difference between compromising on some things and losing yourself.
Of course, there’s no love without sacrifice.
But you’re always the sacrificial lamb.
You always put yourself on hold and pause your life to support his ambitions.
You neglect your own dreams while you keep building him.
You keep removing bricks from your own walls to build his mansion.
You say it’s because you believe in him.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t believe in your partner or build with him.
But it shouldn’t be to your own detriment.
You shouldn’t be empty while trying to make another person full.
You should not be void.
That is my gospel.
When you always have to be the sacrificial lamb for him, you’ve become his mother instead of his partner.
7. You Can’t Let Him Face The Consequences Of His Choices
When he’s struggling, you step in.
Even when he can handle the situation himself, you make the decisions for him.
You believe you know what’s best.
Your nose is everywhere in his business.
Like I said earlier, you’ve become his relationship manager and his life manager.
You don’t want him to suffer any consequences for his actions.
So you feel guilty whenever you let him take responsibility.
You think it’s love.
But what you’re actually doing is rescuing him from every uncomfortable experience.
A man who never feels the weight of his choices never learns to choose better.
You can support your partner without becoming responsible for him.
That’s the difference between partnership and parenthood.
There has to be a balance, with responsibilities you share with each other.
That way, you can both grow, love and enjoy your life together.
Love should leave room for both people to give, receive, grow, and glow while at it.
