At the beginning of every relationship, you should define what you have or what you’re getting into.

That way, you understand what expectations you should have of this person.

That’s why I always say you should define what you want.

But defining a relationship is more than getting a title.

It goes beyond “I’m your boyfriend, you’re my girlfriend” or “you’re my fiancé.”

You can get the title while the foundation your relationship is built on is still faulty.

So you need to ask yourself the right questions first.

They’ll help you tell genuine compatibility apart from emotional attachment.

Now let’s get right into it.

10 Questions To Ask Before You Ask “What Are We?”

1. Do I Like Him, Or Do I Just Like The Attention?

You need to know what genuinely attracts you to this person.

Do you actually enjoy his personality, beyond the attention he gives you?

There’s a difference between feeling wanted and wanting the person himself.

They’re two different things.

This is where a lot of women fall in love with the idea of a person instead of the person himself.

It happens a lot.

So genuinely ask yourself: is it the attention he gives you that you like, or is it him?

If the texts and compliments stopped tomorrow, would you still want to spend time with this man?

2. Do His Actions Match His Words?

I know this sounds cliché, because everybody talks about it.

But you need to see that the man you’re with isn’t just promising you heaven and earth.

Do his actions actually match what he says to you?

Are his promises and his behaviour the same thing?

Imagine a man who embarrasses you in public and then promises in private to be your safe space.

How can your safe space be the one ridiculing you in public?

It doesn’t add up.

Watch whether he follows through on his commitments.

And watch how he behaves when making an effort for you becomes inconvenient.

If he has to go out of his way to do something for you, how does he handle it?

Does he become irritable?

Does he make you feel like a burden, or like you’re not worth it?

The right man might admit it’s a bit out of his way, but he doesn’t mind doing it for the woman he loves.

3. Do I Know What He Actually Wants?

There’s a difference between a man saying he wants you and a man actually wanting you.

He can say, “Baby girl, I want to marry you,” just because he knows that line gets him a certain kind of access to you.

So make sure you know what he actually wants.

His intentions about dating and commitment should line up with his actions.

Whether he wants something serious or something casual, it’s better that you both know.

If you want the same thing, or you don’t mind what he wants, then you can work things out together.

If you don’t, at least you’ll know before you get in too deep.

4. Am I Comfortable Being Myself Around Him?

Imagine meeting a man who believes a woman should be traditionally subservient around men.

You, on the other hand, were raised in a home where everybody was given room to talk and express themselves.

You’re coming from two different upbringings and two different backgrounds.

Even if you grew up in the same environment, there are still personal experiences that have shaped who you each are.

Some of your values and belief systems will only come out as time goes on.

So ask yourself if you can freely be who you are around this man.

Are you comfortable, or do you have to keep up a performance to keep his interest?

Pay attention to how he responds when your views differ from his.

If he makes room for your opinion, that’s a good sign.

If you find yourself shrinking to keep the peace, take note.

5. Do We Share The Same Relationship Values?

In my home, my husband and I share a lot of similar values.

There are some we didn’t grow up with, values that weren’t part of how we were raised.

We picked them up along the way and decided to build them into our family for when we start having children.

You need to see that you and this man share similar values and views.

You should both be willing to accommodate each other for the long term.

Talk about your expectations around communication and quality time.

What does quality time mean to you, and what does it mean to him?

What does communication sound like between you?

Is it one person yapping and yapping, or are you both talking?

Do you talk over each other?

You need to slow down for each other, which, by the way, I’m still learning to do in my marriage.

6. How Does He Handle Disagreement?

Is he willing to listen and communicate with you?

Or does he become defensive and dismissive, or even disrespectful and blatantly arrogant, when you disagree?

His ability to take responsibility and resolve conflict will go a long way for both of you.

As women, I know we can be very temperamental on subjects that touch our sensibilities.

So when an argument comes up and your core beliefs are being challenged, watch how he handles it.

A man who can disagree with you without belittling you is a man you can build with.

You need to look into this before you ask for a title.

7. Do I Feel Emotionally Safe With Him?

You should know whether you can express your needs without fear of ridicule.

I used to take pride in being a strong woman who could handle herself without thinking twice.

But since getting married, my husband has literally become my safe space.

I bare everything with him without holding back.

At this point, if I’m not vulnerable with him, who else would I be vulnerable with?

So can you be vulnerable with this man?

Can you afford to cry about the things that hurt you in front of him?

Does his behaviour build trust, or do you feel a constant uncertainty around him?

Is it recurring emotional distress, or just the normal dating nerves?

And I believe even the dating nerves should calm down over time.

Ask yourself if you’re emotionally safe with him before you go ahead and put a label on it.

8. Am I Falling For His Potential?

Ask yourself genuinely whether you appreciate who he is today.

Are you proud of him as he is right now?

Or are you overlooking his current behaviour because of who you believe he might become?

There’s a difference between supporting someone’s growth and waiting for them to transform.

What if he never transforms?

What if he never grows?

What if you’re the one hoping he’ll grow, when he has already reached the peak of his growth?

Think about it carefully, because you can only build a relationship with the man in front of you.

9. Is The Effort Mutual?

Think about who drives the relationship.

Are you always the one starting conversations and planning the dates?

Who maintains contact?

I remember being in a relationship with someone, for lack of better words, about five or six years ago.

We said we had been dating for over a year.

Somewhere along the line, I stopped being the one to reach out first.

Till date, we’ve not had a single conversation.

The relationship just died a natural death the moment I stopped carrying it.

That’s what I mean when I say a title means nothing if you’re not addressing the substance.

So make sure you’re both putting in the effort.

10. If Nothing Changes, Would I Still Want This Relationship?

If the current dynamic meets your needs, good.

If it doesn’t, ask yourself which behaviours you’re hoping commitment will change.

Of course, we all strive for better things and improvement as we grow, because we’re all works in progress.

But imagine you’ve both reached the peak of your growth, and this is as good as it gets.

Would you still want this relationship exactly as it is today?

You need to ask yourself that honestly.

If the answer is no, a title won’t change it.

Don’t just ask for the title.

Understand what you’re actually agreeing to.

A relationship label can’t solve fundamental incompatibility.

Know what your relationship is being built on, because, like I always say, you can’t build something on nothing.

You can’t build substance on emptiness, so know what’s going into it before you ask what you are.