Breaking up with someone doesn’t make that person a bad person.
If you built memories together, you can’t undo those memories.
Loneliness and nostalgia can make you remember the good things while you minimise the bad, especially if the relationship didn’t end on a bad note.
But if you want to move on, you need to stop romanticizing your ex.
These are the ways you can do it.
How To Stop Romanticizing Your Ex
1. Remember The Relationship As It Actually Was
There’s something I always say: try to view things through an objective lens.
That way, you won’t focus on the shiny part of things, and you’ll see the substance instead.
Remembering the relationship as it actually was means you acknowledge both the good moments and the difficult ones.
Then go back and hold on to the reason the relationship ended, the core of what led to the breakup.
If that reason was a strong one, keep seeing everything through that lens.
It will stop you from rewriting the past to make the breakup feel like a mistake.
Remember the relationship for what it was, and remember the strong reasons you broke it off.
That’s what will keep you going and help you get through this phase.
2. Stop Falling In Love With His Potential
There’s a difference between the man you fell in love with and the man you hoped he would become.
Recognise the things that were only promises and never had any action to back them up.
They were just words on the surface.
All that “this is what could have been” is one of the reasons you’re still romanticizing your ex.
It’s built on what he said to you and what he promised you.
Those future possibilities make you feel like he was all that.
They keep you emotionally attached, because you keep thinking that if you were still together, maybe this would have happened and maybe that would have happened.
But you can’t miss a future that only ever existed in his mouth and in your head.
Judge him by what he actually did, and let the rest go.
3. Stop Comparing Everyone To Him
Familiarity is one thing that makes your ex feel incomparable.
You start to believe every good thing begins and ends with him.
Without realising it, you close yourself off to new connections, because you keep expecting them to feel exactly like the old one.
It doesn’t make any sense.
Different people create different kinds of connection.
If you don’t snap out of that comparison dream, you’ll miss out on the good things of life, because you won’t experience new people for who they are.
You might even have met someone better than your ex already.
But because you keep comparing everyone to him, you can’t move on.
You’re thinking this person has to be as tall as your ex, or cook as well as your ex did.
None of that counts in the grand scheme of things.
Look forward to what the new person brings into your life, and don’t repeat the mistakes you made with your ex.
4. Stop Feeding The Nostalgia
This is why some people say you should return your ex’s gifts or burn them, and delete the pictures and the memories.
You can delete all the physical souvenirs from the relationship.
But if you don’t get him out of your head, it’s still the same thing.
You’ll find yourself fantasising and basking in the nostalgia of the times you shared.
Move on to a future that has better prospects and opportunities for you.
Stop attaching deep meaning to the songs and places you shared, or the routines you used to do together.
For now, avoid them, so they don’t trigger those memories.
You can enjoy that song again someday, once it no longer drags you back to him.
5. Separate Missing Him From Wanting Him Back
Ask yourself whether you miss his personality, his companionship, his attention or simply the routine you had.
It’s okay to miss somebody.
But missing somebody shouldn’t mean you want him back in your life.
Loneliness can make a familiar relationship seem more appealing than exploring new terrain.
You can’t stay compatible with someone you’re no longer on the same page with.
So genuinely ask yourself whether that relationship, the way it really was, is what you want.
Or are you just living in the la la land of your fantasies?
Missing him is a feeling, and you can let it pass without acting on it.
6. Stop Using The Good Memories To Excuse The Bad
Back in junior secondary school, when we did division in maths, we’d say, “2 cancel 2, 1 cancel 1.”
Love doesn’t work like that.
Good can’t cancel bad.
Good is good, bad is bad, and it is what it is.
If someone treated you badly and you shared a few good memories, those good memories don’t erase the bad things he did to you.
Don’t believe that occasional affection makes unhealthy patterns acceptable.
It’s not done, it’s not nice, and it’s not a good place to put yourself.
Hold both truths at once, and let the bad remind you why you left.
7. Rebuild The Parts Of Your Life That Revolved Around Him
This is where I say you should have a life.
Imagine cancelling out everything that was working in your life because you were in a relationship.
Imagine building your whole life around one person’s availability.
It just doesn’t make any sense.
If you did this, it’s time to retrace your steps and rebuild.
Call the friends you stopped seeing and pick the hobbies you dropped back up.
Go back to the goals you put on hold while you were busy making room for him.
The more full your own life becomes, the less space there is for him to keep living in your head.
Moving on doesn’t mean pretending the relationship meant nothing.
You can honour the memories without living inside them.
Be honest with yourself about what really happened and why it ended.
Remember him honestly, and you’ll stop missing a man who only exists in your memory.
