When you meet a new man and a new love interest, you have all the feelings.
You want to build memories together and do everything and anything together.
There’s a tendency to make that romantic relationship the centre of your life.
But there’s a difference between wanting companionship and depending on a relationship for fulfilment.
They’re two distinct things, and that’s why I’m writing this post.
I’m very big on women having their own lives and their own identities.
A relationship should complement your life, and it shouldn’t become the whole focus or the only light in it.
Why You Need A Life Before You Need A Man
1. You Need To Know Who You Are Outside The Relationship
Before you say you want a man, you need to understand yourself.
Know your values and your interests.
Try to understand your personality and outline your goals.
Know what makes you tick, what you stand for, and what you won’t stand for.
You understand?
You can’t hinge your whole life on a man while you’re floating around like a pathless, thoughtless cloud.
You’re much more than that.
Avoid the habit of adopting your partner’s identity and preferences.
Even before a man comes along, there’s a very high chance you’ll adopt other people’s identities and preferences if your own life is blank.
When there’s nothing you stand for and nothing you stand against, everything seems to go with you.
So know what you want from life before you decide to build a life with somebody, or worse, build your life around someone else.
2. You’ll Make Better Relationship Decisions
When you have a life of your own, you choose partners based on compatibility instead of loneliness.
There’s a very huge difference between the two.
You choose him because he’s aligned with your dreams, goals, and ambitions, and loneliness has nothing to do with it.
On that note, you can pitch your tent together.
You’ll be able to recognise a red flag when you see one.
You won’t be afraid to start all over again when a relationship stops serving you.
You won’t rush into a relationship just because everyone around you seems settled.
You’ll understand the difference between wanting someone and needing someone to make you feel complete.
The relationship won’t feel like a missing piece of you.
It will feel like an extension of who you are, someone to do life with.
3. You Have Something To Bring Into The Relationship
Imagine going into a relationship with no interests, no knowledge, no experiences, no perspective, no ambitions, and no goals.
The whole relationship would revolve around the man.
You wouldn’t be able to contribute to conversations beyond your relationship.
You couldn’t build a real partnership, because you’d have nothing meaningful to share with your partner.
I’ve said it time and again that my husband is an engineer and I’m a lawyer.
But I’ve grown so interested in engineering that I’ve started pursuing a path in interior architecture.
So when he starts discussing certain things, I can get on the same wavelength with him, because I understand them.
On the other hand, when I get into my legal element, my husband understands me too, as long as I’m not using technical legal jargon.
We can talk about religion and politics, our upbringing and our social lives.
We can talk about values, especially the ones that have to do with kids and family.
We both have something to bring into the relationship.
Like I always say, you can’t build something on nothing.
What you bring into a relationship determines its quality.
Your relationship can only be as good as the person you are.
4. You Become Less Dependent On Male Validation
Everybody loves to be validated, both young and old.
In fact, my godson, who just turned six, validates my cooking a lot.
Because he appreciates it, anytime he asks me to make something for him, I jump into the kitchen with joy.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy validation.
But you need to learn to appreciate yourself without constant romantic attention in your life.
Don’t measure your worth by whether a man approves of what you’re doing or chooses you.
You don’t have to be male-centred to understand yourself.
If you don’t have a life, everything you do will revolve around a man’s decisions and his validation.
You’ll want to wear an outfit that flatters your body beautifully, but if he doesn’t like it, you’ll dump it.
It doesn’t make any sense.
And that’s just one example on a long list.
It will go on to affect your life choices and the way you see yourself.
When you’ve built your self-worth on your own validation, a man’s compliment only confirms what you already know about yourself.
Imagine someone telling you your outfit is beautiful and you start blushing.
Of course you’re allowed to blush.
But then you treat it like breaking news on the internet and tell anybody who’ll listen that someone said your outfit was beautiful.
It was just a statement of fact that everyone else could already see.
On a different note, if everyone sees your beauty and this one man doesn’t say it, you suddenly feel invalidated and ugly.
So become less dependent on male validation.
A man’s rejection, or his inability to see what you see, doesn’t determine your value.
5. Learn To Enjoy Your Own Company
Before you get with any man, learn to enjoy spending time alone.
Develop hobbies and routines that make your everyday life enjoyable and full.
Manage your loneliness instead of rushing into unsuitable relationships.
There’s a difference between being alone and being unhappy.
There’s also a difference between being alone and being lonely.
If you don’t enjoy your own company, you can’t fully enjoy being with someone else.
Trust me, there are lonely days and alone days even inside a relationship.
So how do you handle that when you haven’t even learned to be comfortable with yourself?
Imagine your partner just wants an alone day.
If you’ve never learned to enjoy your own company, your life practically comes to a halt whenever he’s unavailable.
So learn to enjoy your own company, because the woman who’s at peace alone brings peace into every room, including his.
6. Build Financial And Personal Independence
Before I got married, I had already learned personal independence.
My financial independence was still a work in progress.
Along the way, I fell off the radar, and now I’m picking myself back up again.
I wish I had built my financial independence before I got married.
I would have learned to manage money better, and I would have made more informed financial decisions.
As it stands now, my dear sister, I’m working hard to get back on my feet financially.
And honestly, it affects my confidence when I have to make personal choices that involve money.
That’s why I’m telling you to build this before you need a man.
Independence gives you freedom of choice inside your relationship.
When you have your own money and your own sense of direction, you don’t have to wait for permission to buy something for yourself.
You don’t have to put your plans on hold until he’s ready to fund them.
You can contribute to decisions that involve both of you, because you’re bringing something to the table.
It also means you’re with him because you want to be, and you’re not staying because you can’t afford to leave.
Having a mind of your own and money of your own doesn’t make you less of a partner.
It makes you a partner who can stand on her own feet while she stands beside him.
7. You Stop Expecting A Man To Rescue You From Your Life
When you have a life of your own before you meet a man, you recognise that some problems romance can’t solve.
It’s so delusional when women believe romance will fix their personal problems.
A man can’t love you into wealth.
He can’t love you into rationality or confidence.
He can’t love you into being smart.
If you don’t have it, you don’t have it.
So take responsibility for your own growth and well-being.
A partner can support your progress without being responsible for your entire happiness.
Don’t put pressure on somebody’s son and expect one person to meet all your financial, emotional, social, personal and spiritual needs.
It doesn’t make any sense.
He’s not El Shaddai.
8. Have Friendships And Support Systems Outside Romance
Keep your meaningful friendships and family connections alive.
There’s a thin line here, because you also need to respect the privacy of your relationship.
Your friends don’t need to know everything that happens between the two of you.
But you should have people to celebrate with and people to turn to in difficult seasons.
Don’t become emotionally isolated because you’re in a relationship.
Strike a balance.
Romantic love is one part of a fulfilling life, and it shouldn’t become your only source of connection.
Have friends, interact within your social circle, and make life beautiful.
When your life is full of good people, you don’t smother your man with needs only a village can meet.
Build a life you enjoy, then decide who gets to share in it.
You don’t need to have everything figured out before you share it.
If you decide to go into a relationship, it should be a privilege for that man to experience the life you’ve built intentionally, brick by brick.
That way, he doesn’t become your only source of happiness, and you don’t smother him.
Get a life, build it, and share it with the man who deserves it, and your future self will thank you for it.
