As cliché as this sounds, falling in love is one of the most beautiful things that can happen to anyone.
It is even more beautiful when it’s someone who matches your energy and gives you all the butterflies, as we say.
Without you knowing, your priorities might change.
Your interests might change too.
At that point, you’re trying to match and grow together with someone.
But there’s a huge difference between growing together and losing yourself in a relationship.
So let’s see why a healthy relationship can actually make room for two individual identities.
How to Keep Your Identity Inside a Relationship
1. Maintain Your Own Interests and Hobbies
Before now, my husband and I did a lot of things together.
Some of those things interest him, and some of them interest me.
But I realized we had interests in the same things, and we liked to do them differently.
Somehow it started to feel like a burden.
I stopped enjoying them, so I had to call his attention to it.
I told him, babe, I enjoy this thing you enjoy, but I like to enjoy it in a different way.
Having that conversation was everything for us.
It shifted the dynamic of things.
Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to stop enjoying the things you enjoyed before it.
You’re allowed to try your partner’s interests and hobbies, but you don’t have to absorb them and make them yours.
So maintain your own interests and hobbies, and enjoy them as much as you want to.
Explore things that don’t involve your partner.
That way, you get to understand yourself better.
You don’t have to feel guilty for enjoying your personal time without your partner.
2. Keep Your Friendships Alive
I understand that everyone wants their partner to be their best friend, which is normal and beautiful.
But you still have to maintain meaningful friendships outside your relationship.
You cannot have all the growth and all the fun with just one person for the rest of your life.
Make time for your friends without treating it as a threat to your partner.
Your partner is not a threat to your friends, and your friends are not a threat to your partner.
Not doing this can lead to emotional isolation.
If your partner is your only source of companionship, you need other companionship to stay steady and stable.
It also keeps you from getting bored of your partner.
3. Have Goals That Belong to You
Every relationship has its own dynamic.
You want to build things together, do things together, and live life together.
But at the same time, you need to pursue your own career, your goals, and your business ambitions.
As much as you want to build an empire together and be the next Bonnie and Clyde, you still need to focus on the goals that belong to you.
For instance, I run a blog.
I love blogging.
I do everything techie.
I can sit on my PC all day exploring new ideas.
I recently explored the idea of building a website, which I did beautifully, by the way.
My husband, on the other hand, is a hands-on person.
I’m also very big on DIY, but I cannot make it my main source of enjoyment and entertainment.
He can make it his main source of enjoyment, and he does.
If either of us had no sense of self, he might try to do what I’m doing, or I might try to do what he’s doing.
At the end of the day, it won’t reflect our goals and our values, and it will lead to frustration.
But while he’s doing what he enjoys, I’m doing what I enjoy.
He celebrates my wins, and I celebrate his.
We celebrate individual progress and share the achievements.
That way our home is full, our hearts are full, and we get to enjoy each other fully.
4. Learn to Disagree With Your Partner
A friend of mine recently posted something about having difficult conversations, and about learning to confront things in your marriage a little.
The gist was that if you don’t, you will be served whatever your partner brings to you.
I can’t remember the exact expression, but that was the message.
People talk about difficult conversations all the time, and many of them don’t know what it means.
It doesn’t mean you have to fight.
It means you can have a healthy disagreement with your partner.
Learn to express your opinion even when it differs from what your partner is saying.
You don’t have to change your views every time just to keep the peace.
Disagreeing with your partner doesn’t disrupt the peace of the relationship.
Peace that depends on one person staying quiet is only silence.
You don’t have to treat every conversation as a fight.
A disagreement also doesn’t automatically mean you are incompatible.
Two people will see things differently, and that is normal.
Your relationship has to make room for two different perspectives.
Say what you think, listen to what they think, and let both views stay on the table.
5. Maintain Financial Awareness and Independence
I can manage other people’s finances, but managing my own has been a bit of a problem.
I’m still learning, by the way.
That is what led me to Christian Money Woman, one of the finance coaches in my country.
I am understanding my personal finances now and making plans to use my money better.
I also have a personal stockbroker who handles my stock portfolio.
So here is what I mean when I say financial independence.
Have money that is yours, even if it is small.
Know what comes into the house, what goes out, and what is owed.
Know where the accounts and the investments are, so nothing about your own life is a mystery to you.
Take part in the financial decisions that affect you, because being included is different from being informed afterwards.
Keep building your skills and your earning capacity where possible.
I understand that spending your man’s money is good.
Oh yes, I love to spend my man’s money, and I love it when my man spends on me.
But my husband also knows he has a capable woman who can handle things.
God forbid that things go south, but if they do, I will be fine.
That is the kind of financial independence that helps you keep your identity inside a relationship.
6. Stop Making Every Decision About How It Affects the Relationship
Sometimes compromise is healthy.
Other times you are no longer compromising; you are already abandoning yourself.
Here is how to tell the difference.
In a compromise, both of you give something up, and you feel okay afterwards.
In self-abandonment, you are the one who adjusts every time, and you feel resentment afterwards.
If you said yes only to avoid an argument, you gave in.
If you keep shrinking your own plans so things stay smooth, you are abandoning yourself.
Small personal choices should not need a permission slip.
How you spend your free Saturday, a course you want to take, or a purchase within your own budget are things you can decide and then tell him about.
Inform him instead of asking him.
I’m not saying you should ignore your partner’s preferences or needs when you decide things.
Big decisions that affect both of you belong to both of you.
But being a team doesn’t require doing everything together.
It is okay to do your own thing while your partner does theirs, and the value you place on each other stays the same.
7. Maintain Your Personal Values and Boundaries
Know which principles matter to you most.
A dispensable thing is something like where to eat, what to watch, or what colour to paint the room.
You can give in on those all day and lose nothing.
A core value is something like your honesty, your faith, your respect for yourself, or your need to work and build your own life.
If you have to give those up to stay desirable, the price is too high.
Don’t abandon your core values just to keep someone.
Once you know them, say your boundaries out loud and say them clearly.
Then stay consistent, because a boundary you drop every time it is tested is only a suggestion.
Watch for the point where your compromise starts to touch your dignity and your well-being.
That is the signal to stop and speak.
You don’t have to hinge everything on your partner.
You also shouldn’t sacrifice everything while your partner does nothing.
8. Make Room for Time Apart
Healthy couples don’t need to spend every moment together.
I believe that when you spend some time apart, you create room to miss each other.
When you are always in each other’s faces, trust me, there is no room to miss anybody.
Enjoy your solitude without reading it as emotional distance.
Just bask in the moment and enjoy yourself.
Allow each person to have private interests and experiences.
9. Continue to Invest in Your Personal Growth
Develop new skills.
If you’re not learning new ones, expand the capacity of the ones you have already built.
Then do a self-audit every few months.
Sit down alone and write out what you believe, what you want, and what your habits are doing for you.
Look at each belief and ask yourself if you still hold it or if you just inherited it.
Look at each habit and decide if it is helping you or holding you back.
Drop the ones you need to drop and pick up the ones you need to pick up.
Stay curious about life, because life is bigger than a romantic relationship.
Imagine waking up one day, and the relationship is over.
What becomes of you?
You should still have a skill, a goal, a circle of people, and a sense of who you are.
Allow yourself to evolve without expecting your partner to stay unchanged.
10. Remember That Being a Good Partner Doesn’t Mean Abandoning Yourself
A loving compromise is different from always putting yourself last.
Self-sacrifice is not the ultimate proof of love.
In a healthy relationship, consideration applies to both parties and not just one.
Here is how one-sided consideration looks.
You remember his preferences, and he doesn’t remember yours.
You adjust your plans, and he doesn’t adjust his.
Your needs always get “later” while his get “now”.
When you notice this, say it calmly and give him a specific example.
Then give him room to respond, and watch whether anything changes.
Sometimes tough love is what you need to show instead of more patience.
Communicate when your needs are being consistently overlooked, because he cannot fix what you never told him.
Love involves interdependence, and that means both people carry the weight.
Building a shared life without losing your individual life is very important.
Love involves interdependence, and individuality stays in the picture.
Both of you should give each other room to grow and room to change.
Give each other room to pursue meaningful interests and room to prioritize yourselves.
Make room to be a bit selfish about some things too.
While you’re at it, stay connected as a couple and stay guided by who you are as individuals.
If the relationship ended tomorrow, you should still recognize yourself.
